I’ve known God my whole life. I try to act like I’m on the right path and I’m doing what is right, but when I lay my head down at night, I know that I am fooling myself and everyone else. I only follow God and do what He asks of me when it’s convenient for me. I can’t bring myself to hate my sin and give it up. I see so many signs, and I know what God is telling me. I know what God wants me to do, but I make excuses. I’m lazy. I can see myself walking with God, but I’m not willing to do what He asks me to do and take that next step to be closer to Him. I find myself constantly asking for forgiveness but not turning away from my sin. I know I am forgiven, but I’m still ashamed. I want God to be proud of me, but I disrespect and disobey Him everyday. I know He loves me, but there’s so many reasons why He shouldn’t. I know what God has said about His unfailing love, but there’s always a voice that tells me that I’m not good enough. I never will be. Why does He love me? Why does God continue to reach out to me when He knows that I am only going to disappoint Him? I love God, but it seems that I still love myself more. Don’t get me wrong, God has given me so much joy and peace, but it’s hard knowing that I’ll never be good enough. It’s hard to keep trying when I know I’ll never succeed.

I’ll never be able to let go of the God I have because I know the love he has for me. I could never let go of that perfect love, even though my love for Him is so imperfect. My father in heaven will never let go of me. He’s with me in everything I go through. I am redeemed and forgiven no matter how hard it is for me to accept. 

Love, 

A struggling vessel